(Conflict Resolution cont. 1a)

More on dealing with Difficult People

Introduction

Sometimes working with someone can result in an instant dislike. As a result, interactions can be rude, abrasive, abrupt and generally unhelpful.
In both our personal and professional life, we can find people who are challenging; they are generally labelled as 'precious', 'difficult', 'hard work', etc.

Some ways to handle difficult people

- try to avoid them
- find ways to work around them

However, better ways to improve the relationship include
- to treat them with kindness, be helpful, diplomatic and friendly (over time this can help thaw the dislike and improve the working relationship; however, a friendship will not necessarily develop)
- spend more time with them (by doing this you get a better understanding of their perspectives, what motivates them, what drives their behaviour, etc
"...seek first to understand, then to be understood..."
Stephen Covey as quoted by Michelle Gibblings, 2023a

You interpret the world through your own lens of experience which can result in misinterpreting others' intent, thinking, behaviour, etc
"...By seeking to understand, we suspend judgement and drop the labels by being curious, open-minded, and interested in them. All of which puts us in a far better position to cultivate a healthy relationship..."
Michelle Gibblings, 2023a

- listen first, talk later (people like being heard and that their needs are being listened to; otherwise they can withdraw from the conversations, find ways to destabilise or aggravate the situation
"...When a person feels heard, they feel valued and that they matter to you. This is because they can see that their point of view is being considered and you are interested in what they say. When you listen effectively, you are generally interested in what is said and unsaid. You seek to understand the other person's needs and listen with empathy and compassion. This means you ask questions and seek to clarify what you've heard before sharing your ideas or providing a solution. By doing this, you acknowledge how they feel and take the time to recognise what they need..."
Michelle Gibblings, 2023a

Need to focus on why your relationship with them matters)

- investigate your own reaction (you need to challenge your reaction when feeling frustrated or annoyed by somebody else; be careful of a reactive, unthinking response which has the potential to do more harm than good; a better response
"...is one where you are naturally curious about what is happening, what may be triggering your reaction and why you want to behave in a certain way......It's about making sense of your feelings and acknowledging them. It's accepting that...... cause of the frustration is less important than the meaning placed on it and what you choose to do about it. Once you have this understanding, you are better placed to know how to respond wisely and what action to take..."
Michelle Gibblings, 2023a

Some questions to help you do this
"...- Why am I feeling like this?
     - What does it matter to me?
     - What meaning am I giving to the situation?
     - What else could it mean?
     - What assumptions am I holding?
     - What else could be driving this person's behaviour?
    - What could a wise response be?..."
Michelle Gibblings, 2023a

By answering the above questions, you will learn more about yourself and the other person. Doing this doesn't mean you have
"...stepped away from your values and don't stand up for yourself and what you believe. It does mean..... That you are open to the perspectives of others and recognise that you don't hold the licence on being right. When you stop reacting take time to ponder, reflect and respond; you will find more meaning, deeper relationships and better outcomes..."
Michelle Gibblings, 2023a

- challenge yourself (reflect on your role and what part you might be contributing to the dynamics by answering the following questions:
"...- Am I bringing my best to this relationship?
     - Are there times when I add fuel to the fire?
     - Do I need to be more mindful of my impact on others?
     - Am I expecting them to give more than I am willing to give?
     - Have I put enough effort into making this relationship work?..."
Michelle Gibblings, 2023a)

- set boundaries (boundaries outline what matters and what's acceptable to how we work and connect each other, eg how to respond to work outside standard working hours, how you share the workload and work together.
"... All good relationships have boundaries......do you know their boundaries, and do they know your boundaries?..."
Michelle Gibblings, 2023a

NB
"...Good relationships are a cornerstone of a healthy and thriving workplace, and everyone needs to own their part and be willing to step into difficult moments..."
Michelle Gibblings, 2023a