How to Navigate Conflict with a Co-worker
Introduction
Interpersonal conflicts, like with insecure bosses, know-it-all colleagues, passive-aggressive peers, etc are common in the workplace.
"...trapped in these negative dynamics, we find it hard to be our best selves or to improve the situation. Instead, we spend time worrying, reacting in regrettable ways that violate our values, avoiding difficult colleagues, and sometimes even withdrawing from work entirely. But these responses can lead to a host of bad outcome..."
Amy Gallo, 2022
They can lead to reduced creativity, ineffective decision-making, mistakes, lower productivity, disengagement, etc.
Some research shows that the top source of tension in the job is around relationships.
"...none of us is perfect when it comes to navigating the complexity of human relationships. Especially in times of stress, or when we feel threatened, even the most seasoned workplace veterans can find themselves focusing on the short term goal of ego or reputation protection......rather than the long-term one of behaving honourably and preserving collegiality..."
Amy Gallo, 2022.
Seven principles to increase effective working with difficult colleagues and to build interpersonal resilience, ie able to bounce back quickly after conflict:
i) understand that your perspective is not the only one (in every workplace there are many differing points of views and values; need to be tolerant of differing points of view; need to be careful of naive realism, ie
"...when differing points of view arise, however, most of us believe that we are seeing the issue objectively and correctly, and anyone who has another view is uninformed, irrational or biased......we find it hard to imagine that others won't see in the same way..."
Amy Gallo, 2022.
You need to challenge your own perspective by asking the following questions
- How do you know what you believe is true?
- What if you're wrong?
- How would I change my behaviour?
- What assumptions have I may
- How would someone with different values and experiences see things?
NB Need to refocus from debating whose interpretation is correct to what should happen going forward)
ii) understand and question your unconscious biases (a common mistake is to assume that other people's behaviour is more to do with their personalities than the situation, and believing the opposite of yourself, ie fundamental attribution error; some other biases include:
- confirmation bias (tendency to interpret events or evidence as proving the truth of existing beliefs)
- affinity bias (an unconscious tendency to align with people who are similar to you in appearance, beliefs and backgrounds, and being less comfortable with people who are different in terms of gender, race, ethnicity, education, physical abilities, position at work, etc).
Need to ask yourself
"...What role could my biases be playing here. Is it possible that I am not seeing the situation clearly because I'm making assumptions about this person, or am unwilling to rethink my initial impressions, or unconsciously focusing on our differences?..."
Amy Gallo, 2022
To get a better understanding of your own unconscious bias, take the online quiz developed by project implicit which was developed by researchers from Harvard, the University of Washington and the University of Virginia: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit.
Some more questions to clarify your unconscious bias:
- If your colleague was a different gender, race, sexual orientation or had a different place in the hierarchy, would you make the same assumptions? Would you say the same thing or treat that person in the same way?
- Ask someone who you trust, and who will be truthful, to help you reflect on the ways in which you might be seeing the situation unfairly.)
iii) view the conflict not as 'me-vs- them' but as a challenge to be jointly solved (
"...In a disagreement it is easy to think in polarising ways: 'me versus you', enemies at war. One person is being difficult; the other isn't. One person is right; the other is wrong..."
Amy Gallo, 2022
A way to break out of this mental model is to imagine that there are 3 identities in the situation, ie you, your colleague and the dynamic between you. The aim is to use the 3rd identity to work with your colleague and make interaction less-antagonisticP. erhaps imagining the conflict as a seesaw, ie
"...though they sat on opposite ends, they could perhaps work together to find a balance..."
Amy Gallo, 2022 )
iv) know your goal, ie understand what outcome you're aiming for, ie
"...To avoid drama, stay focused on the work, because you need to be clear about your goals. Do you want to get a project over the finish line? Build a healthy working relationship that will last into the future? Feel less angry or frustrated about your interactions?..."
Amy Gallo, 2022
Write a list of all your goals and prioritise them.
"...Research has shown that people who vividly describe or picture their goals are 1.2 to 1.4 times as likely to achieve them and that objectives recorded by hand are more likely to be realised..."
Amy Gallo, 2022 )
v) be careful in discussing the issue with others (be selective about to whom you talk, and look for people who are
- constructive
- have your best interests at heart
- will challenge your perspective when they disagree
- can be discreet.
Ideally avoid workplace venting and gossip (venting involves side conversations and it is part of gossip).
Gossip can play an important role in bonding with co-workers, especially if it validates your perspective; this gives you a rush of feel-good adrenaline and dopamine; furthermore,
"...Gossip can be beneficial in deterring people from behaving selfishly. If difficult colleagues realise that others are talking badly of them and warning teammates about working with them, they are more likely to change their ways..."
Amy Gallo, 2022
However, there are dangers in venting and gossiping
- it heightens the risk of confirmation bias
- gossiping often reflects poorly on the gossiper as it can be seen as unprofessional
vi) experiment to find what works, ie experiment with behavioural changes to improve the situation (trial and error:
"...there isn't one right way to get a know-it-all to stop being condescending or your passive-aggressive colleague to deal with you in a more straightforward way. The strategies you choose will depend on the context: who you are, who the other person is, the nature of your relationship, the norms and culture of your workplace, and so on......Keep trying, tweaking, and refreshing experiments or abandoning ones that don't produce results..."
Amy Gallo, 2022
You need to explore and find other ways to 'interrupt conflict patterns of the past'. This can include doing something the other person doesn't expect.
vii) be-and-stay curious, ie remain curious about others and how you can more effectively work together (move beyond resignation and pessimism, ie things will not change; adopt a curious mindset and hope that your troubled relationship can improve; curiosity brings many benefits:
- counters confirmation bias
- prevents stereotyping
- helps us approach tough situations without aggression (fight) or defensiveness (flight)
- encourages creativity.
"...the key is to shift from drawing often unflattering conclusions to posing genuine questions..."
Amy Gallo, 2022.
Some questions:
- What am I missing here?
- Why is he/she acting like this?
- Who gets along well with this person and why, ie how do they interact each other?
- What are the differences when the other person is cooperating and not cooperating?
- If you achieved resolution in the past, how was this done?
- What are you both likely to gain from meeting, or not meeting, the goals?
- If you overcome the conflict, what will be different?
NB Be prepared for discovering unexpected solutions.
Summary
"...No matter what type of difficult colleagues you're dealing with or what you decide to do next, the seven strategies can improve your odds of responding productively, establishing appropriate boundaries, and building stronger, more fulfilling collaborations at work. Sometimes change is not possible, in which case you eventually need to cut your losses in a relationship and focus on protecting your career and well-being..."
Amy Gallo, 2022