Technique 1.113 Cultivating Meaningful Connection
Introduction
Cultivating meaningful connections requires grounded confidence, the courage to walk alongside others, and story stewardship.
Connection has been described as
"...the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship..."
Brené Brown, 2021
It includes the concept of
- 'near enemies', ie concepts and ideas that are similar
- 'far enemies', ie concepts and ideas that are dissimilar
The near enemies are the most dangerous as it is easier to underestimate their importance and impact.
(for more detail, see elsewhere in Knowledge Base)
Developing grounded confidence
This refers to how you protect yourselves, when we feel uncertain or fearful, that gets in the way of courage and illustrates misalignment with your values. This can be called your 'armour'. We need to recognise and replace it with grounded confidence which has 3 basic properties
i) handling vulnerability
ii) staying curious
iii) practice of new skills
1. Skill set for developing grounded confidence (learning and improving)
| Skill Set |
Near Enemies |
Far Enemies |
| knowing and proving | protecting fragile self-worth | |
| Knowing & applying the language of human experience & emotion | saving emotion & experience to fit what we know | acting out, shutting down, or giving up |
| Practising courage | not owning your hurt, pain & fear, ie 'everything is fine' | choosing armour or comfort of courage |
| Rumbling with vulnerability | performing &/or avoiding vulnerability | shutting down or acting out a vulnerability |
| Staying curious | challenging & criticising more than exploring & contribute | showing indifference, disinterest & defensiveness |
| Practicing humility | confusing modesty & insecurity with humility | hustling & hubris |
| Committing to mastery & practice | self-protecting with perfectionism | getting stuck in fear & shame |
| Feeling embodied & connected to self | thinking & acting your emotions without feeling them | feeling disembodied & disconnected from yourselves |
(source: Brené Brown, 2021)
"...developing grounded confidence is driven by a commitment to learning and improving. Its near enemy is knowing and proving......quick to mistake knowing and proving as confidence, when they're actually a function of low self-worth. Fragile self-worth is a far enemy of grounded confidence. Fragile self-worth drives us to self-protection at all costs..."
Brené Brown, 2021
Don't underestimate the importance of embodiment and what happens to you when you disconnect from your physical self. For example,
"...Trauma victims cannot recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies. Being frightened means that you live in a body that is always on guard. Angry people live in angry body. The bodies of child-abuse victims are tense and defensive until they find a way to relax and feel safe..."
Bessel van der Kolk as quoted by Brené Brown, 2021
To change, people need to become aware of their mental and physical sensations, and the way their bodies interact with the world around them.
"...Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past......The mind needs to be re-educated to feel physical sensations, and the body needs to be helped to tolerate and enjoy the comforts of touch. Individuals who lack emotional awareness are able, with practice, to connect their physical sensations to psychological events. Then they can slowly connect with themselves..."
Bessel van der Kolk as quoted by Brené Brown, 2021
Remember: grounded confidence is driven by learning and curiosity (including about your body).
For many of us it is easier to live in your heads and completely disconnect from your body. However, there is a cost for this, eg insomnia, injuries, exhaustion, depression, anxiety, etc. Your body has a powerful way of getting your attention!!!!
For some, one of the best indicators about not being aligned with your values is your body's reaction, ie you feel uncomfortable and 'out of sorts'.
2. Skill set for practising the courage to walk alongside
| Skill Set |
Near Enemies | Far Enemies |
| controlling the path, eg you and/or outcomes |
walking away, eg ignoring, dismissing, power over, building barriers, etc |
|
| Knowing & applying the language of human experience & emotion | shaping emotion & experience to fit what we know | acting out, shouting down or giving up |
| Committed to the other-focused | performing concern while trying to control or distance | defaulting to self-protecting & self-focused |
| Practising compassion | showing pity & comparing suffering | cruelty &/or creating distance, separation, disconnection & treating others like they are invisible |
| Practising empathy | defaulting to sympathy & other empathy misses | creating distance, separation, disconnection & treating others like they are invisible |
| Practicing non-judgement | performing non-judgement judging, comparing, blaming & distancing | judging |
| Sharing 'power with' & 'power to' | 'helping' by trying to control people, perceptions or outcomes | leveraging power over |
| Being relational | being transactional, connecting for gain, fitting in, or control | disengaging & disconnecting |
| Setting & respecting boundaries | becoming enmeshed or creating distance | being enmeshed or building walls |
(source: Brené Brown, 2021)
"...one of the greatest challenges in grounded theory is naming categories and properties in a way that actually reflects the data and resonates with people lived experiences......What does it mean to be other-focused, to use language for connecting, be compassionate, empathetic and non-judgemental?..."
Prentis Hemphill as quoted by Brené Brown, 2021
Sometimes
"...help is the sunny side of control......All of us who were raised taking care of the people and trying to manage environments can default to wanting to control the path, regardless of our great intentions. especially when it's in someone's best interest..."
Anne Lamott as quoted by Brené Brown, 2021
You need to question in whose best interests you are referring to?
NB control is self-focused
'To walk alongside' is a commitment to be with the people in solidarity, not pushing from behind or leading from the front; this is consistent with connecting, practising compassion, empathy and non-judgemental.
3. Skill set for practising story stewardship (honouring story as sacred, ie the ones we share and the ones we hear)
| Skill Sets |
Near Enemies |
Far Enemies |
| performing connecting while driving disconnection, ie acting as if interested |
not valuing story; damaging trust and self-trust |
|
| Knowing & applying the language of human experience & emotion | shaping emotion and experience to fit what we know | acting out, shouting down, or giving up |
| Rumbling with story - listening, discovering & staying curious | creating separation by knowing advice-giving and problem-solving | showing indifference, disinterest, dismissing or diminishing |
| Building narrative trust - believing, acknowledging & affirming | disconnecting through: narrative take-over*i, narrative tap-out*ii (including performative affirmation) | fuelling narrative distrust, diminishing the humanity of others and yourself |
(source: Brené Brown, 2021)
Notes
i) narrative take-over, ie
"...Rather than building trust by acknowledging, affirming, and believing, shut people down when we experience discomfort or disinterest, or when we take over the narrative and make it about us and our perception of what happened..."
Brené Brown, 2021
This can happen in one-to-one and cultural conversations, ie hijack story and centre it to yourselves. An example of centring is the 'black lives matters' movement. It is about calling attention to violence being perpetrated against black people. Rather than listening, learning and believing stories of injustice, systemic racism and pain, groups of white people centred themselves with 'all lives matter' and 'blue lives matter'. It was an attempt to take over the narrative.
Centring can involve
"...shifting the focus to us, questioning or not believing what somebody is sharing because it's different than our lived experience, diminishing the importance of an experience because it makes us feel uncomfortable or, worse, complicit..."
Brené Brown, 2021
This is a about protecting your ego, behaviour or privilege.
ii) narrative tap-out can range from subtle disinterest to complete shutdowns; this can happen because you feel that your, and/or others', stories are not important, too distressing, causing discomfort, too busy, etc. This can be linked with lack of self-trust about when and how we share stories. When it happens, it can feel like betrayal.
"...the less diverse our lived experience, more likely we are to find ourselves struggling with narrative takeover or narrative tap-out..."
Brené Brown, 2021
It involves treating the story and storyteller with respect and care. Only entrusting stories to others who have earned the right to hear them and/or are ready to hear them.
"...We are good stewards of the stories we hear by listening, being curious, affirming, and believing people when they tell us how they experienced something..."
Brené Brown, 2021
Some issues that need handling around storytelling is being the 'knower, advice-giver and problem-solver'. For example, as most people want help and solutions, there is an expectation that you will be a problem solver, etc and that is not good story stewardship.
"...Like empathy, story stewardship is not walking in somebody else's shoes. It's being curious and building narrative trust as they tell you about the experience of being in their own shoes. It's about believing people when they tell you what an experience meant to them..."
Brené Brown, 2021
We need to be careful that we are not reckless with other people's stories
NB 'Knowing & applying the language of human experience & emotion' is a key property of the 3 skill sets mentioned above.