(Natural Human Instinct or Behaviour (9) cont. 7)
7. Empathy and Mind Reading
Introduction
This involves treating each person as a unique individual, as a whole individual; having a sense of self.
Empathy involves being attuned to other people's needs; you
"...need to listen to and respect what a person wants and needs - their desires and dreams..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
This instinct helps explain why:
"...- it feels great to put a face to a name
- body language is trusted more than people's words
- people get really annoyed if they feel like just a number
- being interviewed over the phone doesn't really work - we need to meet
- e-mails are used to be more direct to another person than if we were be face-to-face..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Change at an individual level
As everybody reacts to change differently, need to understand
"...that people are not resisting change but guarding against losses or potential losses allows leaders to be more empathetic and less critical of the people..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Need to work at the individual level, ie communicate below the group or team level by having regular scheduled individual meetings with staff, ie 'catch ups', 'one-on-ones'; these meetings
"...provide a platform for respecting and connecting with individuals and for effective delegation. These meetings should go for at least one hour and be held at least every two weeks..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Need to be careful that that this is not perceived as micromanaging, ie telling other what to do and/or watching over their shoulders; it's better to show interest in the other person's work, without interfering.
These individual meetings will vary from person to person, ie some will want to talk through their task list, others about concepts, others on personal aspects, etc; try to accommodate different personalities and individual variances; it allows the sensitive topics to be raised that might not otherwise have been raised.
These meetings can diminish the potential negative emotion attached to giving feedback; if held regularly, they reduce the need for any special meetings that could fuel negative emotions that can be associated with feedback.
Some suggested topics for these meetings
"...1. Look at the progress of tasks since the last meeting
2. Identify and remove any roadblocks
3. Discuss ideas of new initiatives to respond to emerging opportunities/problems
4. Share any development/feedback observations
5. Check if the person needs any support or assistance from you
6. Note the action points for the next meeting..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
NB A good way to finish is by asking the question
"...Is there anything else you want to cover today?..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
One way to test the effectiveness of these reviews is the extent to which you and your staff look forward to the next one.
These regular reviews can be seen negatively as
- loss aversion (people don't know what such a review means and think it's best not to go there)
- contest and display (the perception may be that if you need a review, your performance is inadequate)
Know a person's identity
To relate at the individual level means that you need to know the other person's identity, ie know staff as people by finding out their background.
- know names (first and family names) of people who you work with (put a face to a name)
- be familiar with personal or family details (gender, married, number of children, family issues, home location, hobbies, outside work interests, values, etc) and professional history ('highs and low' of career, academic qualifications, training, expertise, job history, etc)
- be aware of their dreams and aspirations (what do they want to achieve personally and professionally?)
Need to appreciate each person's uniqueness and identity plus what makes them 'tick', ie what motivates them.
People need to know that you care about them, ie they are valued as human beings.
NB People make sense of change by classifying it into gains and losses.
Some information to help understand a person's identity
"...1. Their family or kin situation (partner or not, children, parents, siblings.....)
2. Where they were born and where they spent their formative years
3. The key life experiences which shaped their sense of self
4. Their personal and work achievements, of which they are most proud
5. Their dreams and aspirations
6. Their interests outside work..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
"...getting to know a person isn't about going through a checklist at an interview. It's about a relaxed dialogue that happens naturally in certain circumstances..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
We all have our idiosyncrasies.
You need to create situations where people could talk freely about a range of topics and get to know each other; allowing the conversation to flow; it needs to be 2 ways with both sides opening up on topics under discussion; it's about conversations that bond the people.
Self-interest (WIIFM)
This can have a powerful influence on behaviours and decisions, ie people looking after 'number one' or themselves first.
Altruism it is a counter-force to self-interest; it involves putting yourself in the position of others;
"...understanding oneself and seeing other individuals as separate selves is connected to acts of altruism or selfless service to unrelated others..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Strength vs weaknesses
It is best to focus on people's strengths and accommodate their weaknesses or 'not interested in' topics/activities, etc, ie some people who are 'big picture specialist' and are no good at detail, while others are 'micro managers' (like the detail) who are no good at the macro-level. Most people like working on their strengths and letting somebody else handle their areas of weakness..
Self-esteem/self-worth
Asking each person their opinion about a topic within their expertise demonstrates their worth and builds their self-esteem. This is
"...giving them permission to ask questions, to challenge things and to express opinions...... it allows us to talk about our strengths and weaknesses......people feel valued for their unique expertise..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Importance of saying 'hello'
Saying 'hello' is a way of acknowledging and greeting others; it is important for the sense of self and individuality; it is more than a mere verbal greeting, ie the facial expressions that go with saying hello is important; eg by smiling when saying hello gives the impression you are pleased to meet the person. As the saying goes, 'a smile is worth 1000 words'!!!
Mind reading
Our face is the way we recognise each other; it is a window of how you feel and think; the face is the way we read others; fusiform face area in the brain specialises in recognising human faces, ie it is activated when we see a face and when we remember a face; the skill of reading faces emerges at an early age
"...birth children seem to know when someone is looking at them. When infants are about one-year-old, they begin to use adult gazes to learn language....At about the age of two, children begin to read others' gazes to figure out their mental state, such as their desire. And three-year-olds begin to use gaze as a cue to uncover perception..."
Gert Gigerenzer as quoted by Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Facial expressions
Faces are a major source of information about other people. For example,
"...facial expressions displaying the key emotions of humans are the same all around the world.....six basic emotions are surprise, fear, disgust, anger, happiness and sadness. Expressions associated with these emotions are constant irrespective of culture..."
Ekman et al as quoted by Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
When we express emotions, they are revealed on our face - even for a microsecond.
"...here are 43 muscle movements of the face and those muscle movements can make up to 3,000 facial expressions..."
Ekman et al as quoted by Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Reading emotions, via facial expression, is a fundamental aspect of social living; it is the first facial impression that will last with additional exposure boosting confidence in these first impressions; based on facial expressions, judgements around attractiveness, trustworthiness, aggressiveness, etc were all instantaneous.
"...how we judge people affects the way we interact with them, which in turn affects the person's behaviour..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Visual and facial clues will help identify the social status of individual group members by tracking who is looking at whom.
People with higher power can show the following facial displays:
"...- high-power people are less concerned about what low-power people are thinking - and that glazed look of boredom is easily detected.
- high-power people are less interested in listening to low-power people - when they don't listen it's easily detected and annoying to people
- high-power people are inclined to talk more and ignore what others say - it means leaders are likely to be less interested in reading people than the staff are in reading the leaders face..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Generally it is better to show your emotions rather than hide them, especially as your micro-expressions will show your true feelings anyway.
"...If people are uncertain they have to work harder at reading us and will have ambiguous information they are struggling to make sense of..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
If you try to hide your emotions, others will have to work harder to know what you are thinking, ie if you are happy, show it; if you are annoyed, let people know, etc. However, being too quick to show your emotions, like a quick display of anger, is rarely appropriate.
"...it is generally desirable for a leader to show enough emotions to enable another person to read the leader accurately and for the person to have enough information to know where they stand..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Stereotyping
"...We are naturally inclined to stereotype people merely from thin slices of information..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
However, it is best to resist the temptation of stereotyping people as it can be inaccurate and misleading and as we all are unique individuals.
NB Any inconsistency between your spoken word and body language (expressions, tone, etc) can be quickly detected; with your body language being relied upon as more accurate and believable than the spoken word.
(for more detail, see elsewhere in the Knowledge Base)
Summary (mind reading from facial expressions)
"...1. We are dealing with mastermind readers
2. We read other people by the feelings that are written on their faces
3. We have the capability to read 3,000 facial expressions
4. We are quick and confident in reading people from thin slices of exposure
5. We attribute personality characteristics from facial expressions..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
It is very hard to fake emotions as your feelings as expressed on your face; sometimes these expressions are involuntary, ie you have no control over them.
NB If if you are able to put a face to the name or name to face, this will increase the chance of a good connection.
Summary
It is about people leadership.
Remember
"...1. Humans are almost unique in having a sense of 'self', and it is only through a sense of ourselves that we can see other people as separate selves.
2. Our belief about another person affects that person's performance
3. To connect with people, we need to understand and acknowledge the other person's identity
4. We humans will balance self-interest with altruism..."
Andrew O'Keeffe, 2011
Human have thier own sense of individuality, which is more than being just a number.
To get the best performance from each staff member, you need to show confidence in them and make them feel valued.