Listening for Understanding

Introduction

Ideally you should be listening for understanding but generally people are
"...- pretending to listen, while they plan what to say when it's their turn, or
    - listening for ammunition, that they can use to press their own arguments, or
    - temporarily put aside their own concerns - and genuinely, with curiosity, try to understand what it is really like for the person who is speaking..."
Bob Dick, 2019

When listening for understanding is an active process. You have to give the other person all your attention, ie you have to be alert and skilful, ie
"...'read between the lines'......listen with your eyes as well as ears, with intense curiosity, and with empathy..."
Bob Dick, 2019

Listening involves 4 elements, ie LACE

LACE

L = listen (for understanding, with eyes and ears - what is the real message, both stated and implied?)

A = acknowledge (restate in your own words what you have understood the other person has stated; label it as your understanding, not as fact)

C = check (make it as easy as possible for the other person to correct or challenge your understanding)

E = enquire (to increase your understanding, asked for more information)

NB It is best to omit enquiry if the other person is upset

The key element is acknowledgement as it can remove misunderstandings, build relationships, etc
"...I say it in my own words, so people know I have understood..."
Bob Dick, 2019

Need to be careful of the assumptions you are making about other people, especially their motives, ie
"... - we form assumptions about others, especially about their motives
     - we don't check our assumptions for accuracy
     - we act on them as if they were factual
     - and, in response, the other person develops assumptions about us and our motives..."
Bob Dick, 2019

Most people treat their assumptions as factual and act on them. This can unnecessarily, negatively escalate a situation. You can become locked into a mutual self-fulfilling prophecy, ie acting on untested assumptions especially around the motives.

Need to be able to voice and test your assumptions, ie invite others to correct where your assumptions are wrong, eg
"...I think some of you look puzzled or uncertain. Though I may be mistaken, I suspect that I wasn't clear enough with my instructions for some of you..."
Bob Dick, 2019

If a person is not paying attention, you could ask
"... I'm curious. I'm just guessing, but I wonder if perhaps this material is not relevant for you, or if for some reason you prefer not to be here. I'd like to understand your situation, so we could do something about it is as soon as possible..."
Bob Dick, 2019

Need to be careful when talking about other people's motives as it is based on your assumptions.

Deep listening.
In some cultures, the concept of 'being seen but not hear' is encouraged, especially for youth. It helps with the development of powers of observation, watching, etc, ie body language (tone of voice, body movements like facial, hands, etc). In communications. non-verbal messages are very powerful.
(for more detail, see elsewhere in the Knowledge Base)